Head shops: Who are you fooling?!

A few days ago the Samurai had an important meeting in the blustering metropolis of Akron Ohio. Known for producing rubber and Lebron James this city’s roads seem to be designed by the same man who designed the rubix cube. To Get from point “A” to point “B” often requires passing through points “G” through “X” before coming upon another closed one-way road, traffic jam, or in my case: A Marathon route (Good luck to Akron’s runners but get the hell out of me way PLEASE!)

Finding myself Low on pipe tobacco after being lost in the city for what seems like a geologic age, I decided to stop at a store that said it sold “Tobacco and Gifts”. Now in my sleepy little hometown of Wooster Ohio, “Tobacco and gifts” means a store sells Cigars, pipe tobacco, and witty greetings cards with dirty jokes in them. Apparently in a college town such as Akron, “tobacco and Gifts” takes on an entirely different meaning.

They come in Small, Medium, and Its time to admit you have a problem

They come in Small, Medium, and "It's time to admit you have a problem"

Inside, I found the most Extensive collection of bongs, pipes, vaporizers and witty bumper sticker that I’ve ever laid witness too. Undaunted, (and needing a smoke) I go up the the counter and asked the clerk, (A pasty, twenty something with spiky black hair who vaguely resembled the lead singer form Greenday) if they had any Pipe tobacco, and if so where it was.

I might as well been asking for weapons grade plutonium for the look the clerk gave me, a puzzled “Duh” look worth a thousand words. His surviving brain cells strained to precess the request, finally managing to sputter the half answer “I’m kinda sure we don’t” before returning to his work stocking Bob Marley bumper stickers in a glass case.

Places like this make me honestly mad, and not just because they sell Marijuana paraphernalia, I’m not really up against stoners as much as the collective stupidity regarding the drug Marijuana. I know the questionable legality of places like this, but do they honestly think they’re fooling anybody with the whole “We sell tobacco products and glass art” shtick? As if a police officer is gonna go in there to find a bunch of drug paraphernalia and slink away in disappointment when he reads the sign that says all those bongs and vaporizers are for “Tobacco use only” as if all the patrons are just eccentric smokers who like to smoke cigarettes by way of a six foot long glass tube.

I also got a beef with the people who assign this same logic to the argument of legalizing weed for “Medicinal use”. Let me spell it out: Weed has no practical use whatsoever, it’s a lousy pain killer, and it does nothing to cure or treat any disease that can’t be done by a hundred other better drugs.  There’s no

Finnaly!  The Answer to heath care Reform

Finnaly! The Answer to heath care Reform

one laying in hospitals right now  gasping with their last breath “If only I could have marijuana I could get better and go home to my family!” The drug lobbies are not fooling anybody with that argument. Allow me to says this as simply as possible THEY WANT TO LEGALIZE IT AS A MEDICINE SO THEY CAN GET A FAKE PRESCRIPTION FROM A SHADY DOCTOR AND SMOKE IT FOR FUN!!! Perhaps some brain damaged stoner is dumb enough to think he’s on some kind of noble crusade for the sick and dieing but the truth is no legitimate  medicine on earth is taken by way of a glass pipe shaped like a wizard.

As for weather it should be legal or not, frankly I don’t care. I don’t smoke the stuff and their’s good points on both sides of the argument. I’m simply angry at the folks who insult my intelligence by trying to convince me their weed habit is for the betterment of Mankind.

Period. End of Argument, Fineto, DONE

The Samurai Has Spoken

The Truth About Obama Revealed!

WOW!

I suspected Obama was in fact a robot, but I didn’t want to come strait out and say it, so the Samurai employed his armies of  intelligence gathering allies and I found a cryptic clue to our president’s true nature.

While meditating in my expansive garden, I received mysterious  manila envelope via messenger pigeon  with the words “The Truth” scrawled on it in crayon.  Suspecting it was just another death threat written to me by an angry circus midget,  I opened it, instead finding two photographs.  The first, is  This:

An inocent meeting

An innocent meeting?

An Innocent enough Photograph of our president meeting with prominent Black Leader Al Sharpton.  Innocent enough perhaps,  but The Sender of this mysterious  message had informs me of something disturbing: this photo was a fake!!
Immediately I wondered what this had to do with my queries into the true nature of our President? Why would President Obama, a known associate of Sharpton, fake a picture of the two meeting?
Then, I was hit with the hideous truth, the REAL picture, in all it’s utter weirdness:
Obama Battles Mecha-sharpton!

Obama Battles Mecha-sharpton!

I was, needless to say stunned at the skill that must have went into altering this photo to hide the real truth.  Obama wasn’t meeting with Reverend Al Sharpton at all!  He had obviously been photographed confronting a mecha-Sharpton in a twisted Mexican standoff!
A few things that Must be taken into account about the real photo: Mecha-Sharpton is armed with a chainsaw for a hand, and apparently can be wound up with a large key for extra powerful attacks.  Also, our President must be experienced in battling evil robots from the future, as he’s armed himself with a sword/gun Combination, as we all know this is the best weapon for fighting robots of any kind, especially one s from the future.   Additionally the portrait in the background is now a portrait of Ron Pearlman smoking a cigar.  Why this was covered up is unknown,  the greater mystery being why Reverend Al Sharpton has a large portrait of a Jewish character actor in his office.
No explanation was given for the photo, and the story behind it wasn’t revealed anywhere in the message.  The picture shows a small part of what is doubtless a frikkin-AWESOME fight scene, most likely involving missiles being shot from Mecha-Sharpton’s chest, a machine gun coming out of his mouth ,some really cool martial arts moves from Obama,  and in all likelihood the president running on the wall to avoid machine gun fire.    This epic battle, worthy of an  issue of  “Magnus: Robot Fighter” had one of the following possible outcomes:
1. Obama wins,  Mecha-Sharpton is annihilated, and the real Reverend Al Sharpton  is rescued from the future, the world is safe . . .for now.
2. Mecha Sharpton Wins, Captures our president, dragging him back to the future and throwing him into stasis.  Then Replacing the president with a roboticic replacement that probably transforms into a motorcycle.
3. Both Combatants fight until they’ve completely spent.   Just as the Military arrives to capture the Mecha-Sharpton but he escapes safely into the future just before the military storms into the room.  This lead to a military mission to a future to rescue the REAL Al Sharpton.
What is the real truth? My greatest fear is that I may never know.  Whoever altered this photo has an agenda, be it good or bad is unclear.  When I learn more, rest assured you folks will be the first to know!
The Samurai Has Spoken

Obama a Robot from the future?

I think it’s A serious question lots of people just . . .overlook beucase they like the guy. Yeah yeah, we all got starry eyes when he gave his “We Can” speeches and all that jazz and sure he’s a decent speaker, but do we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s not a robot from the future?!?

Some may ask for evidence when I make such an extreme claim, but I’ve never seen him tested once by anyone to actually see if he’s a robot or not. Everyone loves the guy, yeah yeah blah blah, except for the right wingers, and their arguments are about big government spending and alleged pandering to foreign dictators, while they are his critics they totally overlook the possibility of him being a robot from the future and decide to go with more “realistic” objections to his policies.

For a long time, some evil corperation , in the future (most likely under the Employ of the Consortium of Above average Citizens) has unleashed human “Cybercelebs” on us like Dick Clark, Tom Jones, and Weird Al Yankovick. While most of the dopplgangers are spotted outright, others can slip into the woodwork of our society, doubtless waiting to strike on some far-flung date. President Bush was lousy, but we know he was flesh and blood (Who would make a robot that stupid?) President Obama seems a bit to good to be true, so why take chances?

Call your congressman people, demand that President Obama be tested immediatly to verify his humanity. Unless of course, your also a robot from the future. If you are, then rest assured you won’t take our world with phony presidents!

The Samurai Has Spoken!